?

Log in

Round 2

Anxiety vs. Me round 2

Yesterday was no better than the day before. Got help, got medicine, but the damn Pharmacy was stupid and didn't know how to read it or something. So I went without meds the night before and most of yesterday. I had another anxiety attack at work and could not make it through the day. I hate that. I hate being seen like that. To be honestly Yesterday wasn't the first time suicide had crossed my mind but I am too chicken to go through with it.

Today has been better. Maybe because I got my meds, and I have a day off to unwind and relax.

Meh...

I don't update this thing... I know I should but I can't promise regular updates. Things...Things are not well. Mentally and physically. I try, I honestly do but one can only be strong for so long before it begins to seep and chip away at your sanity first, and then at your physical health.

I don't know where I should start. But I guess it all started back last summer to where I lost my first job. Because since then every thing seems to have gone in a downward spiral. While it has had some positives, and I know I should focus on those, but the negatives seem to take over and poison everything else. That may have been the trigger that started this all. Because before then I was doing so good... my mental state was good, not great, but still pretty over all good. I was maintaining a healthy weight, my appetite was great... things were looking good.

After all that it just seems to be a never ending cascade of stress and hopelessness, and exhaustion. I am so tired of being sick and tired all the time. I know how cliche, right?
I've been in the ER a half a dozen times since then, with Crohn's flare ups, infections and whatnot. Seen my doctor for Crohn's, got started on a new medication that does not seem to be helping and I am wondering if my anxiety is contributing to that factor.

I am not sleeping well at night, my appetite has all but disappeared, and has not made any signs of coming back. I have huge dark circles under my eyes, and my spine is beginning to show. My once snug size 6 pants are starting to sag and slide off, my complexion(not that I had much of one to begin with) is as white as a sheet. I look like death, and some days I feel like death. In the last month or two I have lost 23 pounds and am having a really difficult time gaining it back. I am down to 107 pounds, where as maybe as little as 4 months ago I was 130ish. 10 pounds of that was recent, I last saw my doctor for Crohn's back in May and he was getting a little worried. In may I was weighing in at 117. I expressed my concerns and he told me to take it up with my general practitioner about seeing about getting something for my anxiety levels. I got started on Imuran which does not seem to be doing anything. I am wondering if it is due to my anxiety levels and all the stress in the last 9 months or so.

Today... Today the dam just seemed to break. Everything that could go wrong did, and I had a terrible day at work and ended up having a nervous breakdown. I was at my wits end, so I finally decided to call my GP to discuss things with him. I don't want to waste away anymore. I just want to get better.

I am really hoping the anxiety and maybe even depression is what is causing my crohn's disease to be active again. Maybe after getting that under control will help me get my other health issues under control. I am going to try to keep track of these feelings, and keep a log of how things are going, but I can't promise it will be regular... after all practically no one reads livejournal anymore right?

The Bad

Losing First Job
Losing Beloved Pets (Bellamy, NiKlaus, Tatia, Hael)
Crohn's Disease is Active
Feeling Sick All The Time
Lost 23-30 pounds in the last 9 months or so
Getting Overwhelmed at New Job
6 ER Visits in last 9 months. (April 2013, August 2013, September 2013, February 2014, May 2014 x2)

Good

New Job
New Medicines

Mad mad heartache

This winter and this month have been incredibly harsh. I suppose the weather is payback for the last few mild winters we’ve had. And February… it has not been kind either. I’ve had car troubles and the loss of three of my beloved reptilian pets. My pair of crested geckos and my younger corn snake Bellamy. All of which showed no signs of illness or distress. My heart still aches for them and my head is filled with whys.

I still have good ol’ Fluffy. But he is getting up there in age, this summer will make 10 years since I’ve rescued him. And recently I have rescued another corn snake. I got it from a friend of a friend. It was the pet of an uneducated kid/parent and had been recently taken to striking and biting at the kid. It's underfed and really tiny. I just hope I am doing the right thing and that it is not too soon.

My head is still reeling, and my heart is still aching and it still brings me to tears when I think about my beloved pets. I know the void never gets filled and the pain only dulls, but it will still always be there. Nothing can replace them, or bring them back.

Update

Time for another update... Most of you probably already know what as been going on due to posts on my facebook account.

Post Vacation in July I started having some bad stomach/abdominal cramps. They were coming and going, for a while. They got worse in August, shortly after I lost my job with Wal-Mart. I thought it was my gall bladder. But it was a flare up of my Crohn's Disease. I think the recent increase to a near impossible amount of work load and the grief the managers were giving me, may have triggered it.

It took about a month but I was able to find another job with another retail company, Meijer. The difference between the two companies is like night and day. The work load is not as stressful and hard, and my hours are better. Even though I lost full time benefits, I honestly think it was worth it.

I even had a 2nd job for a little bit. But, it was too much on me.

The wolf park seminar in October was awesome. I had so much fun, and learned a lot about wolf socialization. I have always loved wolves since I was a little girl, much like my love for reptiles. It was like a dream come true to be able to interact with a half dozen of wolves.

I am still with Meijer, and my health is slowly getting better. I am trying a new to me medication, even though it is expensive... and I have to get my blood checked a lot. But that is nothing new to me. I am always getting poked.

I was going to post up pictures of my wolf park adventure, but I am feeling too lazy to get the disc they are on. Or post the pictures I have uploaded on Facebook. I am excited to see what this year holds for me, and to see where it takes me.

Update of sorts.

I figured now is a good time to update this thing. I have gotten bad about updating really. I totally blame facebook for that. Everything has been overall, Okay, I think.

February, I bought my first car, a 2006 Chevy Aveo LT hatchback.

May, a friend from work, and I went to Cleveland for a concert. We saw Eve6. We had purchased VIP passes. Got to meet the band, get autographs, and our pictures taken with them. And even had access to the sound check. They even invited people during the sound check to get up on stage and sing with them! Myself and two other girls got up and sang our hearts out. It was so much fun, and I wish I could do it again.

Near the end of June, we had a massive storm sweep though the state, it wiped out power for thousands, and damaged houses, cars, and buildings. In my neighborhood, it took them nearly a week to restore power. Thankfully we were able to find a family member that was not effected by the power loss and let us a generator, so that we could save our fridge/freezer food and have one room in the whole house that was cool.

In July my sister and I took our first vacation by ourselves to Orlando, Florida. We went to Disney World, and had a blast. It took us nearly a year to save for it, but it was well worth it.

Most of the year was pretty much work work work work work. Not that I am complaining. I am happy to even have a job, and a full time one at that.

Mom had a health scare at the end of November, that kept her in the hospital until Dec. 2nd. Her gall bladder went bad. It was so scary.

Last week I got into a car accident, thankfully no one was hurt, and I only did minimal damage to my car, but I dented in a sliding door on a van.

Now.. I guess it's time for me to get dressed and head to work.

Of Fostering and Failing

I don't think I ever posted about this... Anyways here it goes.

The neighbors next door, have had cats, when said cats get old enough to come into heat or start spraying... Needless to say they throw the animals out and have no qualms about it. I know they have had about 3 and I see those three seldom, as they are stray and nearly feral now... and not spayed/neutered. Well one of the 3 had a litter of kittens. My dad had originally alerted my sister to them, he saw one crawl to cover when he was mowing our backyard. Mind you this was back in late April to early May.

Out of curiosity my sister and I go looking for them where my dad last saw the one that ran. I happen to turn the corner to go back around our other next-door neighbor's back yard (it is open and unfenced) and see 5 little kittens sitting on the back porch. I quietly called my sister over and pointed to them. When we approached they ran into the bushes. We spent at least 30 minutes in almost 90 degree heat trying to get them to come to us, but they wouldn't. So then we headed back inside and told our mom that we had found them.

My mom decided that we should try and catch them, to foster them, and find homes for them that would not throw them out like trash. My sister went out and caught all 5, and got poison ivy for her efforts. We socialized them to humans, dogs and other cats,fattened them up, and gave them names. Daisy Mae, Lilly Bell, Tiger, Demon and Luna.

Here comes the failure part. We tried not to get attached, and we tried to find homes. But no one around here wants kittens and at the time we already had 4 cats of our own. So after much deliberation between my parents and us... we decided we would keep all 5. That makes 9 cats. If we hadn't stepped in when we did, and the neighbor who's yard they were in had found them. He would have drowned them in the river. He said so himself after my parents had told him we were in their yard, and didn't want them to think we were trying to break in the house or anything.

Our older cats have all been spayed/neutered. 4 out of the 5 have been spayed/neutered. We are still waiting to get Luna fixed, after an accident with our dog, Blaze, that happened a few days before the scheduled appointment, left her with a hole in her head and unable to get fixed at that time. She is now fully healed, healthy, and waiting to get her spay done.


Kittens
Kittens

Tags:

Music:

Matchbox Twenty - North (September 4, 2012)
Muse - 2nd Law (September 17, 2012)

TV Shows/Movies:
The Vampire Diaries Season 3 - September 11, 2012
Supernatural Season 7 - September 18, 2012
The Hunger Games - August 18, 2012
Castle season 4 - September, 11 2012

Renewals:
Vampire Diaries for its 4th season
Supernatural for its 8th season
Castle for its 5th season
Doctor Who for its 8th season since 2005 version renewals.

Tags:

Ugh.

Power has been out since June 30, 2012 at 4:15pm. And the estimated restoration for at least 90% percent of my county is July 7, 2012 at 11:59pm. FML. 9 days til my sister and I are due to leave to Florida. I've not had a decent meal or rest since the 30th. We've been living off fast food which is wrecking my gut. My dad was able to obtain 2 smaller generators so at least we have one room with a window air conditioning unit to keep us partially cool, and keep our cold food so we don't have to replace it... Wouldn't be so damn bad if we weren't in a heatwave.

I never thought I would be so glad to be able to go to work... But today I have the day off. Ugh. I am sitting at the library using their Wifi just so I could check on things. I guess its time for me to sign off this.. Librarian is bitching.

The car!

So I had been looking at cars for a while. I had decided that the Chevy Aveo was the right car for me. Its a small sedan and also comes in a hatchback version. I test drove one here in town and I instantly fell in love with the car. Mind you it was a stripped down version of the car I now have. The one I originally looked at was a 2005 4 Door Chevy Aveo in Red, with 96,000 miles. When I looked at it and drove it, my dad and I took notice that the check engine light was on as well as the airbag light. Now when you start the car up the air bag light should flash and then go out. But it stayed solid. Not good. The dealer took it in for a diagnosis. And the computer was going out on the car. So no go on that Aveo.

Then Dad, Katie and I went up to Toledo. We looked at three other Aveos there. 2 were at National Auto Finance. They were basically junk.

Then the third... I had seen on craigslist.org and put in a credit app. for it. I got approved! But dad had to co-sign for me cause I don't have my license yet. Only my learners permit. My first car.. She is a 2006 Chevy Aveo, with 61,000 miles, and power everything. :) I love it.

Tumblr Anyone?

I thought I might post to see who all on my friends list has a tumblr account? I tend to post more on there. And its a bit more random and fun. :) My tumblr account is...

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/andthewordswillcomecrashing

I still intend to post updates here and there on here. :) But nothing too terribly exciting has been happening. Except for saving up some money for Comic Con San Diego! Sis and I have a little over 1k saved up towards our trip!